By Pamela Rose Williams
This was written on the one year anniversary of Hollie Rose’s Heaven home going. The Father called her home on June 14, 2019. He blessed us with her for 27 years here on earth.
June 14th will mark one year since we received the news that our Hollie Rose was called home to the Father. It sure doesn’t seem like a year. Even so, I remember some things so vividly and others are just a blur. Let me try to put it into words.
If you understand nothing else about grief, if you have never experienced grief, you need to know there is no “normal” to this thing, but there are things that we have experienced in this past year that I think many who have been through this might understand. For example, I think we look back and wish we would have said things differently or done things differently. Like when I called to give Hollie’s sister the news, I wish I would have called her husband first to go home to be with her when I called…I regret that she was home alone, well, with her littles. And, I wish I would have shown more appreciation to our friends and family for the tremendous support that they were throughout the whole thing. And I wish I could have been a better support for my husband and my other children. I wish I did not let myself be alone so much, that could be so dangerous because when we are alone our mind sometimes goes places that are not good.
But you know what? I was in shock. I did not know it, but my actions and reactions, as I look back, were more like a robot than anything. I felt like I had to stay busy. I felt like if I stopped for just a minute to think, I would have difficulty functioning at all. I have said that this past year has been the most difficult time in my 60 years.
Death of a loved one is so difficult. Both of my parents have gone before me, my father-in-law is gone, and I have a niece and a nephew and some very dear friends that have died. But nothing, NOTHING, compares to the loss of a child. And not only a child, but my baby girl. Sure, she had grown into a lovely 27-year-old woman, but she was my youngest. I did not love her more than my other children, but she was the one who I spent the most time with. She was the one who needed the most care. She was the one that I nursed for all her chronic illnesses. She was the one who I was always worried about. During her life, I continually asked the Lord to keep her safe and healthy and that when it was time for her to go home to Him, I asked for His grace in taking her peacefully while she slept.
And you know what? God gave me the desire of my heart! He took her home from the safety of her friend’s house and He did it while she was peacefully asleep. How do you thank a loving God like that? He is a Good Father, even in the saddest of times. This is the solace that I have had for the past 12 months. He took her home and now she is no longer sick. She is no longer alone. She is no longer the worry in her mother’s heart. She is with Jesus and the Father.
She loved music and it seems like over the past year every single song that I listen to reminds me of her. But one song in particular has hit me so deeply in my heart that I want to share it with you. The lyrics are as if they were written for such a time as this. It has reminded me that even when we lose a loved one, life goes on and we need to breathe and let the Healer take over. I have no doubt that Jesus is the reason that I am strong enough to pull through this, the toughest of life circumstances.
The song I want to share is called “The Hurt and the Healer” by MercyMe and lyrics that pierced my heart are:
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
I think that is what I feel mostly like. I keep thinking that life will go back to normal, and I will hear from my Hollie Rose. She will text me or just call out of the blue. Or maybe I will read something ridiculous on her social media and call her. But that won’t happen this side of Heaven. That part of me has died and life goes on. Now I rely upon photos and the memories in my heart of Hollie Rose. And I praise God for taking her home even though I miss her so very very much.
I am learning that it gets easier. The hurt and the Healer are colliding now, as things are not so raw anymore. There are still days that are sad, but they are fewer now. I look forward to the day when I see my baby girl in Heaven. However, I believe that when I see Jesus, I might not want to see anyone else.
