Introduction
Every year, large numbers of people seek Biblical counseling to address life issues. Of those who seek counseling, many want help with problems in their marriages. With marriage counseling, Biblical teaching about marriage, communication, and conflict management usually results in noticeable changes in a couple’s marriage in a short amount of time. However, in some cases, issues with unfaithfulness have arisen. When exploring the events leading up to the unfaithfulness, a dangerous trend in our culture can be seen that is not only destroying marriages, but in some cases, leading to prison time. This trend is rooted in the easy access to pornography, which is producing devastating consequences in ways unheard of a few short years ago.
Our Cultural Influences
It is no secret that our culture is saturated with the promotion of sexuality, unbridled lust, and unrestrictive physical encounters. It is rampant in our television programming, movies, music, and even discussed in our morning news shows. No matter where you look, it is not just there to be found, it is in your face in ways that demonstrate no limits on who, where, and how it is to be experienced. What used to be simple stories of romance have been left in the dust for a raw, edgy, obsession with the most deviant of behaviors portrayed as what normal healthy people do as an everyday part of their life.
There is no shortage of public figures, from entertainers to even our political leaders that not only practice these behaviors, but support others in their pursuit of the same. All done out of some sense of open-mindedness to do what makes them happy. Many of these very people, especially in the entertainment industry, achieve great fame and fortune from their lifestyles and roles, demonstrating a willingness to share their own pornographic practices with the world. Sadly, while they promote these behaviors as being healthy, what they never talk about is how these behaviors affect individuals in adverse ways.
Impacts on Relationships
In practice, while providing Christ-centered Biblical counseling with couples who have experienced unfaithfulness, resolution and restoration is very difficult and time consuming. Since a deep level of trust was given to the offending party, betrayal causes deep wounds that take much time to heal. We see this mentioned in Scripture as follows:
Proverbs 18:19 (KJV) A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.
How the Betrayal Happens
Likewise, when counseling couples who have a problem with unfaithfulness, a common thread found in the majority of cases is access to pornography. Although it is usually the man who engages in viewing pornography, in recent times women are nearly at the same level of viewership as men. Surprisingly, some couples even admit that as a couple they viewed pornography thinking that it would “spice up their marriage.” However, what they did not expect was that in most cases, within two years of either partner engaging in the viewing of pornography, their marriages would suffer from unfaithfulness.
While some efforts have been made in the past to limit access to pornography, today there is an explosion of pornographic content that has been made more accessible than ever. This is not just on the internet, but it is difficult to even watch a simple evening news broadcast without being bombarded with commercials promoting the latest show with suggestive titles and content that used to be called soft porn.
Challenges with avoiding pornography
Some argue that if you do not like it, then change the channel or do not watch television. In many cases Christians choose not to watch television for this reason. Unfortunately, we are now hearing of cases when others outside of the believer’s immediate family, such acquaintances as, teachers, or social service agencies, learn of this practice and directly communicate with them about it. Often there is a claim that they are unrealistic, a cult, and even causing harm to their children. Sadly, this is because pornography’s appeal to the flesh has deeply penetrated so many layers of society and the result is that many now consider those who do not participate in it as abnormal.
Even more surprising is that it is estimated that 50% of pastors have problems related to pornography. This explains in many cases why there is an explosion of inappropriate relationships between pastors and members of their congregations and in many cases, teens from their youth groups. This is also seen in the number of schoolteachers that are having inappropriate relationships with their students.
Many of these inappropriate relationships started with social media contacts or communication through cell phone texting. While performing court ordered counseling for those who were intimately involved with students or other young people, we found that a vast number of these relationships started with text messaging, which soon evolved into the sending of pornographic images of themselves between the parties.
Without revealing the details of how law enforcement agencies identify and track these individuals, it is not uncommon that once discovered, there is usually a dramatic arrest made at the offender’s place of residence in the middle of the night. Then, those things that were done in darkness are revealed in the light of day. Of particular note is that in several of these cases elementary school students started accessing pornography, because it is widely popular with their peers. It often leads to what is known as “sexting” – the sending of pornographic images of themselves to their friends and unknowingly to their adult molesters.
Appeals to the Flesh
At the human level, pornography is designed to do one thing, appeal to the observer’s physical lust of the flesh. Scripture tells us that lust of the flesh is one of three motivators that lead to sin, which destroys someone’s life as follows:
James 1:13-15 (KJV) (13) Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: (14) But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. (15) Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
1 John 2:15-16 (KJV) (15) Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. (16) For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
For the nonbeliever, we see death mentioned here in the context of the wages of sin and eternal death in Hell (Romans 6:23).
For the believer, we see death as defined in relationships and maybe their own physical life:
- death of fellowship with God (1 John1:3-7; 1 Peter 3:7);
- death of their marriage (Matthew 5:27-27; 19:3-9);
- death of their testimony (Ecclesiastes 10:1; 1 Corinthians 9:24-27); or
- death of their physical life (1 John 5:16-17; Acts 5:1-11). Nonbelievers may experience this as well.
Blows to the Marriage Relationship
How does pornography lead to these consequences? As mentioned previously, pornography is designed to do one thing, appeal to the observer’s lust of the flesh.
Consequential Blow #1 – Image Comparison
One way pornography appeals to the lust of the flesh is through viewing. With this in mind, the pornography industry has gone to great lengths to provide a great variety of viewing that appeals to the appetites of people of all walks of life.
Pornography plants an image and activity in the mind of the viewer that becomes the object of their lust. This is a problem for many reasons. First, it places an unrealistic expectation on their spouse to live up to the image and abilities of the pornography actors. Second, it detracts from their ability to focus on their spouse during times of intimacy. A common complaint heard in counseling from those who were either involved in pornography or had intimacy with other partners before marriage is that they struggled with their minds making comparisons with their new spouse and the memories of what they had seen or experienced in the past.
This makes it very difficult when they finally meet and marry the person with whom they want to spend their life: they struggle with avoiding the comparison of their spouse with the pornographic images or memories of past flames. Simple things such as how their spouse holds hands, kisses, or actions they experience during intimacy are unwillingly compared in their minds. Some even state that it is like there is a pornographic movie going on in their head during their most intimate times with their spouse and it disturbs them greatly. This is the first blow to the marriage relationship:Â Image Comparison.
Consequential Blow #2 – Mental Adultery
Eventually, couples find that their current experience does not measure up to these pornographic images. It is not long before their times of intimacy with their spouse requires focused thinking about the other people in their mental images to maintain intimacy with their spouse. Because these intimate thoughts and images a couple shares toward one another are replaced by the thoughts and images of others, times of intimacy become nothing more than self-gratification through the use of their spouse.
Like a drug that gets someone high, before long bigger doses or more powerful drugs are needed to reach the high. Likewise, it is only a matter of time before the intimacy with their spouse is no longer satisfying and the desire to live out their fantasy becomes a driving force in seeking someone else to meet their needs. This makes their times of intimacy nothing more than mental affairs with other people, which soon leads to problems in the marriage relationship. This is the second blow to the marriage relationship: Mental Adultery.
Consequential Blow #3 – Physical Adultery
While some try to claim that fantasy is not cheating, this is when the temptation to be unfaithful becomes the new focus. They soon start rationalizing the steps they take toward being unfaithful, with each step becoming easier to take than the last one. Those who make these claims of not cheating are lying to themselves and their spouses because they are denying that they are lusting after someone else and taking steps to fulfil it.
Soon, their desire to get a sexual “fix,’ which started with their lust of the flesh enticed by the pornography, produces an intense desire for a lustful interaction with someone else. Most claim that they saw an affair as nothing more than physical contact with no emotional connection. However, this leads to two outcomes. Either the person gets emotionally attached with their new partner or they emotionally detach themselves from the physical act. In the case of the latter, this leads to more extreme and riskier encounters, which eventually cause major problems when discovered. In either case, unless the unfaithfulness is stopped and steps are taken to restore the original relationship, the marriage is set up for failure. This is the third blow to the marriage relationship: Physical Adultery.
Repairing the Damaging Effects
With the detached or alienated affections, emotional death takes place in a marriage and the power of pornography devastates the family. Relationships are destroyed and lives are changed. Sadly, when a faithful counselor of God’s Word is most needed, Satan will often raise up what I call “Outhouse Counselors” that provide the type of advice you might find on the wall of an outhouse. They often come in the form of friends or family that will tell them they should “kick their spouse to the curb” and break up. They will add that they can easily break up their family with the right planning and help, which turns out to be ungodly.
Unfortunately, while this may sound good at the time, focusing on the logistics of a break-up does nothing for the emotional devastation it causes overall, especially on children. There is no understanding that when pornography is involved, the emotions are numb and the desire to please self takes priority. This comes at great expense to others both as the offender and the one offended and often does not become apparent until much later.
To repair the damaging effects of pornography, an all-out effort to isolate oneself from the pornography must take place. This may entail drastic measures such as removal of access to television or electronic devices. Also, openly sharing of account and password information, personal communication devices, and other expectations of privacy must be agreed to and done. Expect it to not be easy, especially since electronic devices are used in our work, homes, and other aspects of our lives. If this is the case, even restricting internet access or texting may be in order. Installation of applications or software that limit access can be done, but anyone who desires access to pornography will figure ways around it.
Instead of these artificial boundaries, their internal desire for pornography must be eliminated. This means that it must be attacked on a personal level. Our experience in the years of Christ-centered counseling has shown that this is not unlike ministering to someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. It requires intense efforts to work through their issues and a plan forward to enable the renewing of their hearts and minds.
There are several books written on the subject from differing perspectives, but all generally have the same theme such as:
- Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time written by Steve Arterburn.
- Every Woman’s Battle written by Shannon Ethridge.
- Every Young Man’s Battle written by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
- Every Young Woman’s Battle written by Shannon Ethridge and Steve Arterburn
A Christ-Centered relationship is the solution
While these books and others may be good, a one-on-one discipleship relationship with a strong Christian who is able to integrate the application of God’s Word is critical. This person can help the person engaged in pornography to break away from the use of pornography and reestablish new wholesome habits based on the study and application of God’s Word, prayer, and reliance upon the Holy Spirit. For one-on-one discipleship, it should be noted that a man should be discipled by a man and a woman should be discipled by a woman. In addition, it is essential that the person who is overcoming an addiction to pornography must spend time daily reading their Bible. This will remind them what exactly it is that God calls them to do as a believer.
Rebuilding a family ravaged from the fallout of pornography does not happen overnight, but taking these steps with all involved toward addressing the problem through a deeper relationship with Christ will always result in victory.
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